Between Two Fires

The Tollan sold us out. They always had an arrogant demeanor, but they showed their true colors as soon as they got in trouble. In the end, the Tollan were just hi-tech turncoats in ugly jumpsuits.

This episode further enforced my belief that Sam sucks at dating. Apparently she has a thing for creepy stalkers. Narim reproduced her voice, enabling his home computer to talk dirty to him respond to his requests as if it were Sam. That’s not cute. That’s just weird.

Tanith showed up to announce he was now working in the service of a mystery Goa’uld. This made Teal’c very happy. He then ordered the Tollan to send a bomb to Earth.

Luckily, Sam’s stalker blew up all the super bombs before the Tollan had a chance to consider the task. SG-1 fled through the stargate after the Goa’uld started their attack. The Tollan were, presumably, killed while trying to flee in spaceships.

Rating: 9/10

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On an unrelated note: After years of resistance, I finally created a facebook page. If anyone wants to become my internet friend, you can send me a message here. 

The Tomb

This episode had a vintage Stargate feel to it. Daniel was in archaeology mode, the team was looking for a mystical artifact, and there was a Goa’uld on the loose. The writers even mixed in some political drama with the Russians.

I love the animosity between Jack and the Russians. To be fair, the vodka drinkers were operating on secret orders and had a knack for screwing things up. I knew the Russian with the dodgy mustache was going to die the first time I saw this episode. People with that type of facial hair don’t last long in the entertainment industry. Alternatively, I wasn’t surprised the cute girl made it out alive. Good-looking people get all the breaks.

I thought the little creature that ate everyone and was host to a Goa'uld was well done. It gave the episode a bit of a horror movie feel. The idea of it continuously eating someone while trapped in the sarcophagus was kind of creepy.

Eventually the Goa’uld took one of the Russians as a host, and the team escaped after they found a ring transporter. The ziggurat collapsed with the Eye of Tiamat buried in the rubble. Its power would remain unknown.

The one other notable thing to mention about this episode was that Colonel Chekov made his first appearance. I always liked him.

Rating: 8/10

Beast of Burden

The Unas episodes just don’t do it for me. This one was particularly hard to watch, because the story slowly plodded along. The resolution wasn’t very satisfying, either.

About three-fourths of the show was dedicated to explaining how slavery is bad. Really, was this a moral question that needed to be tackled? It was such an obvious point. I felt like the writers were almost preaching to a group of third graders.

The twist at the end was much more interesting than the rest of the story. It created a true moral dilemma. Rather than focusing on this, the writers just sent the team home. This likely resulted in a rebellion that benefited neither side and led to more death and more hostility. Brilliant.

The one positive that came out of this mess was that we got an excellent Jack O’Neill-ism. “Yeah, I know, the grass always looks cleaner.”

Rating: 2/10

Rite of Passage

Was it just me or did Cassandra seem a lot older than she should have been? I think she was the perfect example of why all guys fear the idea of having a daughter. She was extremely grouchy and smooched a cheesy boy who gave her a two-dollar trinket. It’s no wonder Dr. Fraiser was so edgy.

It turned out Nirrti was experimenting on Cassandra’s planet in an attempt to create super humans. The team found Nirrti’s lab, but they were unable to cure Cassandra. In the process, they accidentally allowed Nirrti to sneak into the SGC while she was cloaked.

The team eventually discovered and captured their unwanted visitor. They made a deal with Nirrti. She saved Cassandra in exchange for her release. I was surprised they let her go so easily.

Bonus point for Jack’s magnet speech.

Rating: 6/10

Red Sky

This was a fairly typical episode. The team screwed something up, and they had to fix it before everyone died. Along the way, they had to deal with some religious villagers who were a pain in the butt. The big twist was the team ran into a problem they couldn’t solve by themselves. Or could they?

Malchus ranks highly on the list of most infuriating characters. He reminded of Debbie Downer from those old SNL skits. It was great to see Jack go after him. That man needed a beating, if only for his ridiculous hat.

I always like it when the Asgard show up. It’s funny to think that not all of them are as friendly as Thor. I thought the scene where Sam and Daniel watched Jack as he was talking to the wall was pretty funny. “Little gray butts?”

I also liked the way the show ended. Sometimes those loose ends are more satisfying than a perfect resolution.

Rating: 6/10

The Fifth Man

Yes, I suck. Sorry for the long delay. I’ve been a little distracted. I appreciate the people who sent messages urging me to post more.

The Excuse: I am starting a tiny, itty-bitty record label with the few spare dollars I have. I wanted to get the website up and running before I got super busy again. This was a problem, because I barely know how to turn on a computer. Me = the dumb. After futzing around with the page for a very long time, I finally made a template the looks kinda jazzy and meets a few web standards.

You can see it here: Hello Velo Records. Bonus points for anyone who is an interweb wizard and wants to give me advice/tips/tell that I don’t suck.

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This episode is going to be tough to review, because not much really happened. The writers basically stated in dialogue that we would never see Reole again. Colonel Simmons was up to no good, and Hammond got grumpy. Dr. Fraiser saved the day by breaking some rules.

I thought the Tyler character was neat. The premise about him creating a false memory seemed like a stretch, though. I can see why his people hide their identities. They are not an attractive race. At least Jack found a fishing buddy.

It happens in a lot of episodes, but it always annoys me when the team gets put in a holding cell. With all the crazy stuff that goes on, you’d think that SG-1 would get the benefit of the doubt. I also thought Hammond would have made a better effort to find Jack.

Overall, a forgettable episode, but it’s good to be back.

Rating: 5/10

Ascension

Have I mentioned that Sam sucks at dating? Well, she does.

Maybe it’s just me, but I thought Orlin was a nightmare. He stalked Sam, jeopardized her career, committed credit card fraud, and broke small appliances. Of course, she liked him. Really liked him. Women make no sense to me.

This episode resolved around the big, honkin’ space gun SG-1 found. The pentagon was super excited to fire it. However, that would have made a lot of ascended beings grumpy. Orlin sacrificed his life to destroy the gun and was allowed to ascend back to a higher plane of existence. I’m sure at least one woman up there will file for a restraining order.

I love when Teal’c dresses to go out in public. What do you think would grab your attention more: a man with a small tattoo on his forehead or a black dude who was dressed in flaming cowboy regalia? It’s great to know that the big guy like Star Wars. The best line of the episode had to be his, “I have read of a place where humans do battle in a ring of jello.”

Hey, we also saw Sam’s house and car for the first time. I was a little envious.

My Rating: 7/10

Threshold

I never liked the idea of Teal’c being brainwashed that quickly. If the Goa’uld could simply turn someone into a devoted follower, why did they go through such exhaustive torturing techniques in the past? The episode that comes to mind is “The Serpent’s Venom.” Heru’ur’s guy spent days trying to force Teal’c to admit the Goa’uld were gods, but he flipped in a matter of moments this time.

I can excuse that problem, because the flashback scenes were well done. It showed how influential Bra’tac was on the younger Teal’c. It was also interesting to see how Teal’c eventually learned the truth about the Goa’uld.

The best part of the flashbacks had to be Apophis’s chicken outfit. The man had style.

I thought Daniel and Jack were pretty funny. “I thought he said, ‘Valour.’”  Dr. Fraiser was also great in this episode. I love it when she sticks up for her principles.

My Rating: 7/10

Enemies

The team was facing some bleak prospects when Season Five started. They were stranded far from home, and Apophis was about to turn them into space debris. He was powering his weapons when another ship appeared and attacked. This allowed the team to take temporary refuge within a star’s corona sphere.

When the team reentered open space, they quickly discovered that Replicators had infested Apophis’s ship. The team was able to recover a set of hyperdrive crystals from the abandoned vessel. They got into a shootout with the mechanical bugs and fled just moments before the ship self-destructed.

I really liked the “We’re not going to make it” dialogue in this episode. The relationship between Sam and Jacob has grown fantastically over time. They have such a natural fit. Plus, it’s a hoot whenever Jack interacts with the Tok’ra.

We learned that Teal’c had been revived by Apophis and was brainwashed. He tricked the team and led an invasion that allowed Apophis to take control of their ship. Of course, Apophis always travels with too much luggage. (He’s such a diva.) A Replicator stowaway quickly began eating its way through the ship.

The Replicators created a huge bug that zipped everyone back to the Milky Way. Fearing the Replicators would take over the galaxy, the team devised a plan. They crashed the ship after it left hyperspace and escaped with Teal’c in a cargo ship. Teal’c was still convinced that Apophis was his god.

The Replicators and Apophis were destroyed. Or were they? Okay, this actually was the end of old snake boy. As much as I loved his outlandish arrogance and incredible resilience, it was time to turn the page. He was a great villain. Hey, there are always alternate realities.

My Rating: 9/10

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You might have noticed that I have been a huge slacker lately. There are two reasons for this. 1) I have been sick and didn’t have the energy to write. 2) I was starting to lose my motivation. I even considered quitting the project. Then I watched Continuum. Oh My God! I couldn’t believe how great that was. It completely reignited my love for the show. So, I’m going to jump back on the proverbial horse. I have about a month of free time before grad school starts up, so expect the updates to come fast and furious. 

Exodus

Yes, this was good episode. We got to see the team playing with their fancy, new spaceship, and the battles were pretty. However, some parts of this show drove me crazy.

The first thing that bugged me was how Tanith escaped. How can the Tok’ra be that dumb? He did a ridiculous, seizure-esque freak out, and they believed it. Then, with two guards watching (one pointing a zatgun at him), he grabbed the person who went in to check on him. The scene cuts, and we are forced to imagine that he beat up the other guards, eluded the rest of the Tok’ra on the base, and used the ring transporters to reach the surface. No way am I buying that.

The other thing that made me grumble was how Tanith was able to communicate directly with Apophis. If he could do that, why didn’t he just tell Apophis where the Tok’ra were hiding a while ago? Was he just waiting for a special occasion?

Don’t even get me started about Teal’c.

Okay, now that I got that out of the way. The cliffhanger was great. Sam and Jacob did a little father/daughter bonding exercise by blowing up a star together. The team was sent 200 million light years away, and Apophis ended up right behind them. Oh, and Teal’c was captured along the way and was aboard Apophis’s ship. The credits started rolling with the team stranded in space and facing an overpowering ship.

To Be Continued

Rating: 8/10

Double Jeopardy

Komtraya!

The robots from “Tin Man” showed up in this episode. It wasn’t explained how they acquired guns or SG-1 uniforms, but they were going out on missions. Cronus caught three of them. The robots were running out of energy, so Harlan traveled to the SGC to ask for help.

The real SG-1 had previously been to the planet that was now under Cronus’s control. They freed the locals and told them the Goa’ud would not return. Oops. These facts started a fight between Jack and Robot Jack, which was pretty funny.

SG-1 and their robot counterparts planned an attack on Cronus’s mothership. The Teal’cs killed Cronus, but all the robots died during the battle. The good news? Earth now had a big, honkin’ spaceship.

One other thing: I noticed Michael Shanks directed this episode. I guess that’s why Robot Daniel had his head blown off in the first ten minutes, and the real Daniel was on an ambiguous mission. Not that I know anything about directing, but it seemed like he did a good job.

My Rating: 8/10

Entity

The security cameras were cute in this episode. I thought it was funny that they liked Jack. Of course, the cameras were really controlled by an electronic entity that was attempting to destroy Earth in retribution. Details, huh?  

I was creeped out by Sam when was possessed, because she didn’t blink at all. Even alien entities should know that is important to hydrate their eyes. I wonder how Amanda Tapping did that. When I consciously try not to blink, I automatically start twitching and need to close my eyes for a few seconds.

I was shocked when Jack fired the second zatgun blast. Jack, no! You love her! I didn’t understand how Sam gained the ability to shoot lightning bolts from her hands, though.

My favorite part of the episode was when the computer zapped Walter. Take that chevron guy! The funny thing was Sam also got a little shock to her hand. General Hammond, who completely disregarded Walter while he was passed out on the ground, immediately asked, “Are you okay, Major?”

My Rating: 5/10

Prodigy

Carter found a mini-me while giving a lecture at the Air Force Academy. Like most mini-mes, Cadet Hailey had a violent streak. She was on the verge of being kicked out of the academy, but Sam thought she could be motivated by a trip to the SGC.

Meanwhile, Jack and Teal’c were babysitting a group of scientists. The mission was pretty boring until the group ran into a pack of killer fireflies. Luckily, Dr. Bill Lee survived his run in with the energy aliens. This was his first appearance on the show. Ladies, contain yourselves.

I thought the scene where Sam and Cadet Hailey debated why the space bugs attacked felt a little forced and awkward. I got it. The kid still had a lot to learn. It was pretty funny to see Teal’c shoot Jack, though. I bet he enjoyed that.

Overall, a forgettable episode.

My Rating: 4/10

The Light

I just turned my lava lamp on in honor of this episode.

The idea of the Goa’uld going to a palace and getting stoned makes me laugh. I can almost imagine Apophis, Hathor, and Yu eating Oreos in between bong hits. I bet they even watched a VHS copy of Reality Bites. Now that I think about it, Ethan Hawke would make a great Goa’uld. Umm… where was I?

Oh yeah, this was pretty episode. I thought the set was gorgeous, and the light effect had a trippy vibe. The kid was a little annoying, though. It seemed like Dr. Fraiser might have been able to give the team a pill to regulate their dopamine levels, but they deserved a vacation. As someone from Florida, I have to disagree with one thing. That beach did not look very nice.

Looking back, not much happened in this episode. Daniel basically died for a moment, but he always does that. I liked the argument between Sam and Jack. A few red shirts ate it. Am I missing anything else?

My Rating: 5/10

Absolute Power

They should have called this episode “Daniel is a Big Jerk.” Fortunately, he was just having a bad dream. Shifu used the knowledge he gained from Oma to teach Daniel about the corruptive power of Goa’uld genetic memory.

I didn’t like this one. It had the same problem “2010” just had, in that none of the main events actually happened. This story wasn’t even as interesting. In the end, Daniel woke up with an epiphany, and Shifu flew away.

I think it’s funny how Daniel doesn’t wear glasses whenever he is supposed to be a bad guy. As someone who hates contact lenses, I fully endorse that idea. Glasses are awesome. In my opinion, all girls look foxier with a hip set of frames. But I’m getting off topic.

Those ascended being sayings never get old, and it was neat when he destroyed Moscow.

My Rating: 5/10

2010

This might be the prettiest episode produced by SG-1. There was a grand plot, an interesting new race, and some great team moments. So why did I find it unsatisfying? Well, it fell into the alternate reality trap. Everything in this episode, essentially, never happened, which ultimately devalued the drama. There was some fun speculation, but it had little influence on the series as a whole.

I love to compare the superficial differences in alternate reality episodes. First off, Dr. Fraiser’s hair looked fantastic! She always struck me as the motherly type, but she looked down right foxy with that cut. I liked Sam’s gelled up hair, too. Daniel had a new pair of glasses, which are actually in style now. It took me a couple of moments to realize it, but Teal’c had his tattoo removed.

I thought the triangle between Ambassador Joe, Sam, and Jack was intriguing. It was pretty clear that Jack felt letdown by Sam, and Joe didn’t trust Jack. Since Sam sucks at dating, she must have picked Joe over Jack at some point. It was strangely typical of her to fall for a guy who was complicit in genocide.

There was one other thing that caught my attention. This was the first time I watched this episode since Don S. Davis passed away. It was sad to hear the toast to General Hammond knowing that he really is gone.

Oh, and Kinsey as the President was not a pleasant thought.

My Rating: 7/10

Chain Reaction

Jack turned to Maybourne, who was on death row for his treasonous involvement with the Russians, after General Hammond resigned his position on short notice. The NID had previously pressured Hammond to pursue weapon technologies, and they went so far as to threaten his grandchildren to achieve their goals. As much as it disgusted him, Jack offered to speak to the President on behalf of Maybourne if they could find the people who forced Hammond out.

Back at the SGC, General Bauer immediately started screwing things up. He gave Daniel a desk job, assigned Sam to build a bomb, and put Teal’c on SG-3. I know General Bauer was supposed to be a stereotypical hardass, but he actually reminded me of the Admiral from Hot Shots!. I kept waiting for him to say something like, “My eyes are ceramic. Caught a bazooka round at Little Big Horn. Or was it Okinawa? The one without the Indians.”

Jack and Maybourne’s hunt lead to Senator Kinsey. Everyone’s favorite person to hate had been involved with the NID all along. With the information they obtained from Kinsey’s computer, Hammond was able to return to the SGC and Maybourne was transfer to a more hospitable prison. Maybourne was last seen sipping a tropical drink with his arm around a woman. Presumably, he had escaped.

Fun tidbit: Oscar, Senator Kinsey’s dog, was actually Richard Dean Anderson’s dog. He was a cute doggy.

My Rating: 7/10

The Serpent’s Venom

Teal’c had another rough day. He was betrayed by his fellow Jaffa and tortured mercilessly by one of Heru’ur’s minions. I bet that pain stick to the pouch left a sore spot. On the positive side, Teal’c is slowly starting to gain followers to his Jaffa movement.

Apophis was looking good. His face healed slightly since the last time we saw him, and he switched over to a red wardrobe. He even had some scantily clad women stroking his head. That man is a natural pimp.

I thought it was funny how Jack got all uppity when Jacob first brought up the Tok’ra plan. Then he felt left out before Jacob said, “Of course, Colonel O’Neill is always lots of fun to have around.”

Apophis’s mothership looked awesome. It blew Heru’ur to bits with just a few shots. It’s a shame we won’t the bald guy again. I always liked his earrings.

In typical SG-1 fashion, their plan managed to create a bigger problem. Apophis will absorb Heru’ur’s fleet and grow even stronger. Soon he will be able to challenge the System Lords by himself.

My Rating: 9/10

The Curse

Poor Teal’c. He was roped into fishing an empty lake with Jack. The whole team was given personal time after the death of Daniel’s former professor, Dr. Jordan. Sam spent her time working on a motorcycle with Sergeant Siler.

At the funeral, Daniel met up with some of his former colleagues. Sarah, his ex-lady friend, and Steven, who had always been jealous of Daniel, were surprised to see him after a five year absence from the academic circle. They had been studying some rare artifacts with Dr. Jordan before an explosion killed the scholar. When Daniel saw the pieces, he knew something was wrong.

Two of the artifacts were vessels for Goa’uld symbiotes. The snakes had been held in stasis for thousands of years. One of the Goa’ulds, Isis, died after the seal broke. The container holding Osiris was missing along with a golden amulet.

Daniel, Sam, and Dr. Fraiser traveled to Egypt suspecting the Goa’uld had taken Steven. He was already unconscious when they arrived at an isolated ruin. Osiris was actually inside Sarah. After beating up the team and zapping Daniel’s brain, she escaped in a buried ship.

Dating Daniel definitely has drawbacks. Let’s go down the list of his known lovers up to this point. Sha’uri – taken as a host. Sarah – taken as a host. Hathor – Goa’uld queen. Shyla – pretended to be a Goa’uld. Ke’ra – the destroyer of worlds. The best of the bunch might have been the cavewoman he hooked up with during “The Broca Divide.”

After all that, he’s still better at dating than Sam. She turned down another cabin offer in this episode. Grr…

My Rating: 9/10

Tangent

First off, I’m sure you noticed the new header. Isn’t it pretty? I deserve none of the credit. Erica had some free time and made it out of the goodness of her heart. How awesome is that?

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“You can’t just slap a US Air Force sticker on the side of a death glider and call it yours.”

This episode reminded me of “Solitudes” a little. Jack and Teal’c were stuck on a death glider, and the rest of the team tried everything possible to save them. Luckily, Jacob Carter was close by on a mission for the Tok’ra.

I thought the strength of this episode came from all the different character interactions. I loved the moments between Sam and Jacob. His little rant and her outraged response felt like a typical argument between a father and a daughter. Teal’c’s speech and Jack’s subtle humor perfectly fit the situation. I also like the desperation of General Hammond and Major Davis.

To me, this episode showed that Earth could rival the Goa’uld one day. They still had a lot to learn, and they were playing with technology they didn’t understand. However, it’s that sense of adventure that makes the show so much fun.

Bonus point for Daniel’s Wizard of Oz reference.

My Rating: 8/10

Point of No Return

I forgot how much I liked this episode. It was a clever story, and there were some truly funny moments. Plus, it’s always fun to see the team in civilian clothes and hear them talk about doughnuts. 

Martin Lloyd made his first appearance. It’s hard for me to separate him from the character on Sex and the City. However, he was very convincing as both an alien and a delusional conspiracy theorist. “… and the CIA sanctioned microwave harassment...”

Teal’c, or should I say Murray, had some great moments. He seemed almost blissful on that vibrating bed. I thought it was funny that Martin tried to bite him and he was reading a story about a headless alien in a topless bar. I also loved Teal’c’s deadpan line, “This weapon appears to be ineffective.”

Bonus point for, “That’s a duck, isn’t it?”

My Rating: 8/10

Beneath the Surface

“I remember something. There's a man. He's bald and wears a short-sleeved shirt, and somehow he's very important to me. I think his name is Homer.”

I thought this one was a little creepy. Did anyone see how the Administrator used a handkerchief whenever he exchanged a document with Brenna? That’s one of those small details that I just love. It totally made the character.

Of course, my favorite part of the episode was the snuggly time between Sam and Jack. Hey, they were even dirty and disheveled.

I didn’t realize it until I checked Gateworld, but one of the posters there pointed out that Teal’c shaved his blonde goatee. Good eye, Captain Jake. Hopefully, that will be a memory that doesn’t return when he’s back on Earth.

Wow, the black lady Daniel was hanging out with was annoying. If I had to choose between working in an underground steam factory as a slave laborer and living freely in a utopian city with her, I’d go with the orange outfit.

My Rating: 7/10

Scorched Earth

Jack was completely wrong in this episode. I know he was trying to save the Enkarans, but he had no right to doom an entire race. He should have been smarter than that. I have a feeling the bomb wouldn’t have even worked.

Lotan, the Gadmeer robot, was a neat character. I thought Daniel’s discussions about fulfilling his true purpose were well done. He seemed to be genuinely torn between his sympathetic feelings for the Enkarans and his programmed directives. I’m glad he found a place to stay.

I’m surprised we never heard from the Gadmeer after this episode. They could have been useful allies. It’s not like the team met that many advanced lizard races with big, honkin’ spaceships.

My Rating: 5/10

The First Ones

I thought this one was a little boring. The translation scenes with the Unas were enough to make me say, “meh.” However, It was neat to see the Goa’uld in their natural environment.

As a guy, am I allowed to say that Daniel’s eyes looked pretty in this episode? Probably not. Maybe that’s why he makes so many friends. I wish my peepers weren’t poop brown.

I didn’t get the stuff about Rothman being a Goa’uld all along. Why didn’t he stay on Earth after he notified the SGC? Surely, he could have created more problems from there. I think the writers just wanted to give Jack a chance to shoot him. Poor guy.

I liked Daniel’s line, “It’s funny. I met my father-in-law like this.”

Rating: 4/10

Watergate

The Russians found the stargate that was in Thor’s ship after it sunk to the bottom of the ocean. With the DHD they acquired after WWII, they decided to start their own program. It didn’t take the Russians long to screw things up, so SG-1 took a trip to Siberia.

Maybourne was in cahoots with the Russians, so they knew everything about our operations. Jack and Teal’c found him frozen with a liquid alien stuck inside of him. Uh oh, he’s going to be in trouble. The watergate was pretty cool, tough.

I was shocked Daniel was so willing to skydive. He made an “oh no” face when the idea was first brought up, but he didn’t hesitate to jump. Teal’c, on the other hand, was not comfortable with the concept. There is no way I would have jumped out of that plane.

My favorite part of this episode was when Jack said, “Oh dang, I’ve never been in a submarine before.” Of course, he was in a Russian submarine just a few episodes ago, and Svetlana probably knew about it. Nice try, Jack.

Bonus point for Daniel’s line, “But it’s Swiss.”  

My Rating: 7/10

Window of Opportunity

I doubt there is much I can say about this episode that hasn’t been said before. Just about everyone considers it a favorite, so let’s make this an interactive post. List your favorite moment in the comment section.

If you don’t participate, Jack will lose it. “It means go crazy, nuts, insane, bonzo, no longer in possession of ones faculties, three fries short of a happy meal, WACKO.”

My Rating: 10/10

Divide and Conquer

Wow, there was a lot in this episode. Of course, my favorite part was when Sam and Jack admitted their feelings. Perhaps more importantly, Martouf was killed, and Sam was the one who pulled the trigger.

After a member of SG-14 attempted to assassinate the leader of the Tok’ra and committed suicide, all the SG teams were tested to determine if their minds had been manipulated. In the first round of testing, it was determined that Lieutenant Astor was a za’tarc. She had been programmed to carry out a mission for the Goa’uld and would likely attempt to disrupt a treaty-signing ceremony that involved the President and the Tok’ra High Councilor.

Anise tried a procedure to save the young lieutenant, but it didn’t work. A failsafe mechanism was triggered. After a brief struggle, Lieutenant Astor shot herself in the head. That always stuck me as one of the sadder moments from Stargate. Poor kid.

As the testing continued, Sam and Jack were identified as za’tarcs. We later discovered the results were false positives, because they didn’t admit their feelings for each other in the first test. “I didn’t leave, because I’d have rather died myself than lose Carter… Because I care about her a lot more than I’m supposed to.”

They were not threats, but Martouf was. When the President’s arrival was announced, he lost control and started firing a small weapon. He was shot several times with handguns and once with a zatgun. He failed his programmed mission and was about to kill himself. Martouf pleaded to Sam, so she fired the fatal shot.

This was the last time we saw Anise. It’s a shame the producers tried to make her such a sex kitten, because she could have been an interesting character. If they toned her down just a little (maybe dress her in something other than formfitting rubber), I think she would have been a good addition to the show.

There was also a great scene between Daniel and Jack. Anise’s host, Freya, had just thrown herself at Jack. He was a little confused by her forwardness and told Daniel about the incident. “Apparently the snake likes you.” And I loved the double “What?” at the end. Classic.

My Rating: 9/10

Crossroads

Never trust a snake. Whether it’s a Tok’ra, a Goa’uld, or in a Jaffa, it will never truly be on your side.

Shau’nac traveled to the SGC, because she believed the Goa’uld within her wanted to join the Tok’ra. She had managed to communicate with her snake while in a deep state of kelnorim. She previously fooled around with Teal’c and was definitely a foxy space lady.

Teal’c was excited by her arrival and believed her discovery could lead to the downfall of the Goa’uld. They enjoyed some private time, which I thought was out of character for Teal’c. I don’t like the idea of him cheating on his wife.

The Tok’ra were intrigued by the prospect of adding to their ranks, because their queen was dead and their population was dwindling. They found a host for Shau’nac’s mature Goa’uld and a new larva. When her snake took its host, he was introduced as Tanith. That neck blood gave me the willies.

Jack hoped to learn from Tanith’s Goa’uld memories. Anise killed that idea by sending SG-1 away without any information. Jack was not happy. “I guess we should just mosey on back to Earth and tell General Hammond how the Tok’ra boned us again.”

The twist was the Tok’ra thought Tanith was a spy. They planned on giving him misinformation. Their suspicions were confirmed when he killed Shau’nac. To maintain the ruse, Teal’c was forced to embrace Tanith in a tense final scene. The twitchy jaw muscles made him seem a tad insincere.

I can’t help it. Here’s another picture of Anise.

It was also neat to see Teal'c's dad, but someone should buy Cronus a hairbrush. 

My Rating: 8/10

Upgrades

The magic armbands were silly, but I was able to overlook them enough to enjoy the episode. Both General Hammond and Dr. Fraiser had big roles. We also saw the Tok’ra don’t always have our best interests in mind. The team even managed to blow up one of Apophis’s ships along the way.

Eh, Anise. She might be the ultimate foxy space lady. I actually thought she was an interesting character, but yeah, her outfits were over the top. They made her a distraction and hurt the show. I can’t believe I’m arguing against a scantily clad, highly attractive woman.

Jack was in fine form. It was good to see Teal’c and him boxing again. I loved how he kicked out a chunk of Hammond’s office. My favorite line: After Anise determined he had five times a normal human’s strength, “So, no increase then, huh?”

There were two things that bothered me about this episode. The first was Sam’s face when she realized she couldn’t take the armband off. It struck me as one of those unintentionally funny and overly dramatic moments. The other was how the bar fight started. Some guy called Daniel a geek, which was odd, because that might have been the hippest Daniel ever looked. Plus, who calls someone a geek?

My Rating: 6/10

The Other Side

The debate in this episode was a little heavy-handed, and I was surprised Daniel didn’t even bring up the idea of peace negotiations. That certainly would have been less messy than influencing the outcome of a war. Even if the talks failed, the team would have learned more about the conflict.

So what would you do? You can help the space racists and gain access to their technology or turn your back and let them die. Neither action was morally satisfying, but many decisions in life are like that.

Those flight simulator things were neat. It’s a shame they turned people into zombies. I loved how Jack checked his jaw when got out.

Hydroponically grown yeast. Yummy!

My Rating: 5/10

Small Victories

“I don’t know, Carter, you may not be dumb enough.”

How much did I like this episode? So much that I can forgive the producers for that blonde thing growing on Teal’c’s chin.

The surviving Replicator we saw at the end of “Nemesis” boarded a Russian submarine and killed the crew. Fearing an international incident, the US government picked up the abandoned sub and towed it to a harbor. Despite Jack’s advice, the military wanted to study the bugs and ordered a reconnaissance mission. The mission did not go well.

In the meantime, Thor arrived at the SGC looking for a few dumb ideas. An Asgard homeworld was about to be invaded by Replicators, and they hoped human strategy and ingenuity might be able to overcome their technological limitations. Sam was sent on the field trip.

Daniel spent most of this episode watching monitors, but he also realized the Replicators on the submarine were made out of steel. Which meant they would short circuit and corrode in the seawater. If the lone Replicator that survived the crash could be destroyed, the rest of the bugs could be eliminated with a torpedo.

Jack and Teal’c volunteered for the new mission. They managed to kill the motherbug, but the other Replicators were not happy. Trapped on the ship with no escape, Jack ordered the destruction of the sub while they was on board. The torpedoes were launched.

After learning that Thor likes the yellow ones, Sam devised a plan to save the Asgard. She convinced Thor to send his newest ship, the O’Neill, into hyperspeed and allow the Replicator controlled ships to chase it. Much to Jack’s dismay, the O’Neill was set to self-destruct. The explosion was large enough to destroy the Replicators, because they lowered their shield to follow it.

Back on Earth, Thor beamed Jack and Teal’c out of the submarine just before it went kaboom. The bugs were squashed in both galaxies, but it was just a small victory against an imposing foe. The Replicators will be back.

A couple more things:

• I liked Sam’s new haircut, but there were moments when she looked a little frumpy. However, she looks cute even when she’s frumpy.
  
• I can’t believe Sam rejected Jack’s fishing trip offer again. The thought of Thor fishing is pretty amusing, though.
  
• “They had asses?”
  

My Rating: 10/10 

Nemesis

Daniel had an appendectomy, so the rest of SG-1 was put on leave. However, Jack’s fishing trip was canceled after he was transported to Thor’s ship, which was orbiting Earth. The Beliskner was infested with mechanical, bug-like creatures, and Thor was in critical condition.

Ladies and gentleman, meet the Replicators. Aren’t they pretty? The Replicators plagued the Asgard galaxy for years and now planned to take over Earth. The only way to prevent their invasion would be to blow up the ship. Oh, and Thor didn’t think there was a way off the ship.

Sam and Teal’c ignored Jack’s order and beamed up with a load of explosives. Apparently, they didn’t want to miss the action. It’s a good thing they showed up, because Thor quickly shot down Jack’s plan.

Sam read the instruction manual, and Teal’c took a space walk. “One small step for Jaffa.” The team eventually destroyed the ship as it entered Earth’s atmosphere, and they were able to escape through the stargate.

Everything appeared to go as planned until a lone replicator was shown crawling on the wreckage in the ocean. Uh oh, “To Be Continued.”

I can’t believe Sam turned down Jack’s offer.

My Rating: 9/10 

Crystal Skull

I still haven’t seen the new Indiana Jones movie. From what I’ve heard, it was just a big-budget version of this episode. I’m guessing Harrison Ford played the grandpa role.

While I liked this episode, it was silly that none of these plotlines were ever continued. The giant mist aliens were enemies of the Goa’uld and seemed to be pretty advanced. You’d think they’d pop up somewhere else. Hell, the team didn’t even give Nick a GDO to get back to the base.

The best parts of the show happened while Daniel was out of phase. I bet it’d be fun to walk around like that for a while. The conversation between Sam and Jack was great. Do they miss Daniel? Nah, it’s probably just radiation sickness.

Poor Rothman. He’s the Rodney Dangerfield of the SGC.

My Rating: 6/10  

Maternal Instinct

This was our first encounter with an ascended being. Oma Desala resided in a temple on Kheb, a planet of Jaffa legend. The team traveled there after Bra’tac arrived at the SGC with his wounded apprentice. Apophis had attacked Chulak and was searching for his son. Daniel wanted to rescue the baby before Apophis could get there.

I bet it would be awesome to get stoned with that Asian dude. It has been years since I’ve done anything that naughty, but I’m pretty sure I would be blown away by sayings like, “Because it is so clear, it takes a longer time to realize it. If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, then the meal was cooked a long time ago.” Ummm… cookie dough ice cream.

My favorite part of this episode was when Daniel started to grow skeptical, so the monk lit the candle to prove it could be done. The monk then said, “Now you blow it out.” Daniel then bent down and blew out the flame. “With your mind.” I love that little laugh.

There is no doubt this episode was an important part of Stargate history. I think you could argue the Atlantis series would not exist without it.

My Rating: 8/10

New Ground

This one didn’t do much for me. It might have been better if we saw the Optricans and they all wore glasses. Also, it would have been nice for the Bedrosians to have a back-story that involved sleeping disorders. That would make sense, because their army was in pajamas.

Nyan had some impressive sideburns. I kind of felt bad for him. He made the most important discovery in the history of his people and helped Teal’c save SG-1. His reward? He got to be Daniel’s intern. Now get me a Frappuccino.

I really can’t think of anything else to say. This episode just seemed like a waste of time.

My Rating: 2/10 

Shades of Grey

“Come to retrieve your vastly superior stuff? You know, it’d be a lot more superior if it wasn’t so easy to steal.”

Jack was so out of character that it became obvious something was going on. However, the plot twists made this episode fun. I certainly didn’t think Colonel Makepeace was involved with Maybourne. He always came across as a loyal, by-the-book guy up to that point. I guess that shows why the NID was so powerful.

I loved the moments between Jack and Daniel. Yeah, they do have some differences of opinion, but they also have a special bond. It was great to hear Jack’s mumbled apology at the end. You know it killed him to act like the bad guy for that long. 

I thought Sam’s reactions in this episode were great, too. She seemed shocked and disappointed to see Jack like that. It was like she lost her hero.

This episode was probably best summed up by Jack’s line, “We don’t need their stuff, Makepeace. But we do need them.” The Tollan were surprisingly tolerable this time, and it’s always nice for the Asgard to make a cameo. 

Bonus point for Jack reading MAD Magazine while listening to an opera.

My Rating: 8/10

A Hundred Days

This was another great episode from Season Three. The meteor shower was gorgeous, and the tone of the show was just right. It was interesting to see how Jack adapted to his new life and watch the team as they never gave up their rescue attempt. 

As a fan of Sam and Jack’s relationship, I was a little torn about Laira. Jack seemed genuinely happy with her, and she was a fantastic character. However, as a happily single guy, whenever a woman gives an I-want-your-baby speech, I instinctually start looking for the nearest exit.

On the other side of the Sam/Jack equation, we saw Sam’s feelings for the first time. She seemed to have trouble admitting to her emotions. However, her reaction when Jack said goodbye to Laira said it all. Sam needs some loving.

The episode ended with an unresolved question. Laira seemed to signal that she was preggers. Was she carrying Jack’s baby or was it just wishful thinking? I guess we’ll never know.

My Rating: 7/10 

Urgo

“Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me…”

I love this episode. Every time I watch it, I have a goofy smile on my face from the time Teal’c chugged his coffee to the very end. The show was so well done and so silly that I’m tempted to watch it again right now.

The most important event in this episode might have been that we saw Sam eat blue jello for the first time. Yummy. There was a lot of pie, too. 

I love how Sam grew attached to Urgo. It’s so fitting with her personality. We should meet her Uncle Irving.

Here’s a partial list of my favorite Urgo-isms:

• “He gets confused. By the way, who is Mary Steenburgen?”
  
• “Woof”
  
• “It’s death or me. You have to decide. Me or death.”
  
• “I’m melting, I’m melting.”
  
• In a mocking tone: “Parasite, like Goa’uld”
  
• “As handsome as he is evil.”
  
• “Dad”

My Rating: 10/10

Pretense

I don’t like episodes that revolve around a trial. Luckily, there was enough going on outside the courtroom to keep the show interesting. The Tollan were still arrogant, Lya had twigs in her hair, and the space battles were pretty.

Lord Zipacna was a textbook Goa’uld. He was boastful, manipulative, and stunningly dressed. Check out that earring. The Goa’uld were the original metrosexuals.

I’m glad the Tollan got rid of their silver jumpsuits. They built a stargate on their new homeworld, but Jack had to point out, “Ours is bigger.” They also had a number of space guns, a nifty vest that could separate a host from a Goa’uld, and the ability to make Jack grumpy.

It wasn’t really shown, but I wonder if Sam got her cat back. I’m glad she rejected Narim this time. He just doesn’t do it for me.

Sam was right when she said Lya drew a fine line by hiding the ion cannon. I’m not sure her actions fit the Nox way. It also seemed pretty obvious that she would side for Skaara. 

My Rating: 7/10

Foothold

My favorite part of this episode was when Jack punched Dr. Fraiser in the face. “That was weird.” It was also fun to see Teal’c kick some butt.

The aliens in this episode reminded me of horseshoe crabs. I liked the mimic device idea, and it was funny to see everyone hanging from the rafters. It’s a shame the aliens just blew themselves up and were never heard from again.

A lot of minor characters made appearances in this episode. Siler, as always, was beaten up and knocked out. Major Davis had a lot of screen time. I’m a huge Maybourne fan, so it’s always a bonus when he shows up.

And when Maybourne shows up, the insults quickly follow. “You are an idiot everyday of the week. Why couldn’t you have just taken one day off?” It was a shock not only to see him get credit at the end, but also for him to acknowledge Sam.  

My Rating: 8/10

The Devil You Know

Apophis is amazing. The guy was promoted from assistant hell boy to leader of the most powerful fleet in the galaxy in the course of a few days. I bet his first official action was to change into a gold outfit.

It’s a shame Sokar couldn’t stick around longer. He had a lot of screen presence and was super creepy. Even his Jaffa were cool. I wonder if he was related to the veiny-headed kid from “Show and Tell.”

I thought the torture scenes were well done. The casting department did an unbelievable job picking out the young Sam, and it was neat to learn more about her background. However, Charlie looked much older than the last time we saw him. It was great to see Daniel throw a punch, and Martouf had me convinced when he told Apophis the location of the Tok’ra.

This was also a good episode for silly Jack comments. My favorite line was, “…they gave me something that reminded me of the ‘70’s.”

If I was in charge of the script, I would have been tempted to have Jack say, “Let's get the Hell out of… umm, Hell.” But I’m a sucker for bad puns.

My Rating: 10/10

Jolinar’s Memories

Martouf always shows up with bad news. He arrived at the SGC to inform Sam that Sokar had captured her father. Jacob was sent to hell, and only Jolinar’s memories could save him.

We saw Jolinar’s previous host and Sokar for the first time in this episode. Sokar looked a cross between the guy from Hellraiser and Billy Corgan. Apparently, the devil does not own nail clippers. Jolinar was cute and one tough cookie.

The dreaded “To Be Continued” popped on the screen moments after Apophis killed Bynarr and revealed himself. In the comments from “Serpent’s Song,” Aabye compared Apophis to a bad houseguest. And just like a bad houseguest, he keeps showing up when you think he’s gone. This time, he was wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask.

Was anyone else grossed out by the yellow, gooey stuff leaking from Bynarr’s eye? Yuck.

My Rating: 10/10

Past and Present

I really liked this episode. It continued the story from “Prisoners” and allowed Daniel to grow a little bit more. Looking back, I feel like Season Three was when Daniel evolved into a much deeper character. He learned to see both sides of an issue and the moral conflicts within him became stronger.

Does Ke’ra qualify as a foxy space lady? I’m not so sure, but Daniel fell for her, so she makes the list. That hair was a little crazy, though.

The conflicts Ke’ra faced were pretty interesting. It brought to mind the old nature verses nurture debate. Was she predisposed to destructive behavior or was it a result of a traumatic upbringing? Could she ever truly be free of her past? Will she ever regain her memory?

I thought this was one of the more intriguing ideas in the series. It made me think of the Michael story arc from Atlantis, and it’s interesting to compare the two outcomes. Of course, Ke’ra was a willing participant.

I also liked the banter between the unknowingly married couple.

My Rating: 9/10

_______________________

Another Note: I played around with blogger today and started a blog list. See it over there on the right? If you’d like to be added to the list, just leave a comment. Oh, and I set up a picture blog for my father, so you should check that out. 

Forever in a Day

This might be the quintessential Daniel episode. The entire story took place in a few seconds while Sha’uri was scrambling his brain. We learned a lot more about Daniel’s thoughts and his relationships.

The plot was driven by two big events. Teal’c killed Sha’uri, which saved Daniel but might have prompted him to leave the stargate program. Sha’uri also told Daniel where to find her child, which gave him a reason to continue. It ended as he said goodbye to Sha’uri in a touching scene.

My favorite parts of this episode were the interactions between each team member and Daniel. Sam let her soft side out. There were a number of moments when she had tears in her eyes, and she gave Daniel a big hug. I was heartbroken when Teal’c asked Daniel for forgiveness. Jack did his best to express his repressed emotions, and it showed just how much he would have missed him.

My Rating: 8/10

Rules of Engagement

Wow, those kids were really dumb. You’d think they would either give up after a while, or realize SG-1 was not with Apophis. The intars were cool, though.

There were a lot of funny moments in this episode. My favorite was Jack’s deadpan reaction after Rogers told him that corn and cotton are indigenous to North America. I also loved the tuna interrogation and the look on Jack’s face after Teal’c claimed O’Neill was “much loved by Apophis.”

There was one little moment that perfectly personified Jack and Daniel’s relationship. The whole team was walking to the gate while being debriefed about what to expect during the final challenge. Jack gave a series of orders and asked, “Was everyone clear on that? Daniel?” Of course, Daniel was in Dannyworld and only managed a confused, “What?” To which Jack quickly responded, “Good.”

Oh, and I have to mention that Sam looked extra foxy in camouflage face paint.

My Rating: 6/10