The Tomb

This episode had a vintage Stargate feel to it. Daniel was in archaeology mode, the team was looking for a mystical artifact, and there was a Goa’uld on the loose. The writers even mixed in some political drama with the Russians.

I love the animosity between Jack and the Russians. To be fair, the vodka drinkers were operating on secret orders and had a knack for screwing things up. I knew the Russian with the dodgy mustache was going to die the first time I saw this episode. People with that type of facial hair don’t last long in the entertainment industry. Alternatively, I wasn’t surprised the cute girl made it out alive. Good-looking people get all the breaks.

I thought the little creature that ate everyone and was host to a Goa'uld was well done. It gave the episode a bit of a horror movie feel. The idea of it continuously eating someone while trapped in the sarcophagus was kind of creepy.

Eventually the Goa’uld took one of the Russians as a host, and the team escaped after they found a ring transporter. The ziggurat collapsed with the Eye of Tiamat buried in the rubble. Its power would remain unknown.

The one other notable thing to mention about this episode was that Colonel Chekov made his first appearance. I always liked him.

Rating: 8/10

Exodus

Yes, this was good episode. We got to see the team playing with their fancy, new spaceship, and the battles were pretty. However, some parts of this show drove me crazy.

The first thing that bugged me was how Tanith escaped. How can the Tok’ra be that dumb? He did a ridiculous, seizure-esque freak out, and they believed it. Then, with two guards watching (one pointing a zatgun at him), he grabbed the person who went in to check on him. The scene cuts, and we are forced to imagine that he beat up the other guards, eluded the rest of the Tok’ra on the base, and used the ring transporters to reach the surface. No way am I buying that.

The other thing that made me grumble was how Tanith was able to communicate directly with Apophis. If he could do that, why didn’t he just tell Apophis where the Tok’ra were hiding a while ago? Was he just waiting for a special occasion?

Don’t even get me started about Teal’c.

Okay, now that I got that out of the way. The cliffhanger was great. Sam and Jacob did a little father/daughter bonding exercise by blowing up a star together. The team was sent 200 million light years away, and Apophis ended up right behind them. Oh, and Teal’c was captured along the way and was aboard Apophis’s ship. The credits started rolling with the team stranded in space and facing an overpowering ship.

To Be Continued

Rating: 8/10

Double Jeopardy

Komtraya!

The robots from “Tin Man” showed up in this episode. It wasn’t explained how they acquired guns or SG-1 uniforms, but they were going out on missions. Cronus caught three of them. The robots were running out of energy, so Harlan traveled to the SGC to ask for help.

The real SG-1 had previously been to the planet that was now under Cronus’s control. They freed the locals and told them the Goa’ud would not return. Oops. These facts started a fight between Jack and Robot Jack, which was pretty funny.

SG-1 and their robot counterparts planned an attack on Cronus’s mothership. The Teal’cs killed Cronus, but all the robots died during the battle. The good news? Earth now had a big, honkin’ spaceship.

One other thing: I noticed Michael Shanks directed this episode. I guess that’s why Robot Daniel had his head blown off in the first ten minutes, and the real Daniel was on an ambiguous mission. Not that I know anything about directing, but it seemed like he did a good job.

My Rating: 8/10

Tangent

First off, I’m sure you noticed the new header. Isn’t it pretty? I deserve none of the credit. Erica had some free time and made it out of the goodness of her heart. How awesome is that?

__________________________

“You can’t just slap a US Air Force sticker on the side of a death glider and call it yours.”

This episode reminded me of “Solitudes” a little. Jack and Teal’c were stuck on a death glider, and the rest of the team tried everything possible to save them. Luckily, Jacob Carter was close by on a mission for the Tok’ra.

I thought the strength of this episode came from all the different character interactions. I loved the moments between Sam and Jacob. His little rant and her outraged response felt like a typical argument between a father and a daughter. Teal’c’s speech and Jack’s subtle humor perfectly fit the situation. I also like the desperation of General Hammond and Major Davis.

To me, this episode showed that Earth could rival the Goa’uld one day. They still had a lot to learn, and they were playing with technology they didn’t understand. However, it’s that sense of adventure that makes the show so much fun.

Bonus point for Daniel’s Wizard of Oz reference.

My Rating: 8/10

Point of No Return

I forgot how much I liked this episode. It was a clever story, and there were some truly funny moments. Plus, it’s always fun to see the team in civilian clothes and hear them talk about doughnuts. 

Martin Lloyd made his first appearance. It’s hard for me to separate him from the character on Sex and the City. However, he was very convincing as both an alien and a delusional conspiracy theorist. “… and the CIA sanctioned microwave harassment...”

Teal’c, or should I say Murray, had some great moments. He seemed almost blissful on that vibrating bed. I thought it was funny that Martin tried to bite him and he was reading a story about a headless alien in a topless bar. I also loved Teal’c’s deadpan line, “This weapon appears to be ineffective.”

Bonus point for, “That’s a duck, isn’t it?”

My Rating: 8/10

Crossroads

Never trust a snake. Whether it’s a Tok’ra, a Goa’uld, or in a Jaffa, it will never truly be on your side.

Shau’nac traveled to the SGC, because she believed the Goa’uld within her wanted to join the Tok’ra. She had managed to communicate with her snake while in a deep state of kelnorim. She previously fooled around with Teal’c and was definitely a foxy space lady.

Teal’c was excited by her arrival and believed her discovery could lead to the downfall of the Goa’uld. They enjoyed some private time, which I thought was out of character for Teal’c. I don’t like the idea of him cheating on his wife.

The Tok’ra were intrigued by the prospect of adding to their ranks, because their queen was dead and their population was dwindling. They found a host for Shau’nac’s mature Goa’uld and a new larva. When her snake took its host, he was introduced as Tanith. That neck blood gave me the willies.

Jack hoped to learn from Tanith’s Goa’uld memories. Anise killed that idea by sending SG-1 away without any information. Jack was not happy. “I guess we should just mosey on back to Earth and tell General Hammond how the Tok’ra boned us again.”

The twist was the Tok’ra thought Tanith was a spy. They planned on giving him misinformation. Their suspicions were confirmed when he killed Shau’nac. To maintain the ruse, Teal’c was forced to embrace Tanith in a tense final scene. The twitchy jaw muscles made him seem a tad insincere.

I can’t help it. Here’s another picture of Anise.

It was also neat to see Teal'c's dad, but someone should buy Cronus a hairbrush. 

My Rating: 8/10

Maternal Instinct

This was our first encounter with an ascended being. Oma Desala resided in a temple on Kheb, a planet of Jaffa legend. The team traveled there after Bra’tac arrived at the SGC with his wounded apprentice. Apophis had attacked Chulak and was searching for his son. Daniel wanted to rescue the baby before Apophis could get there.

I bet it would be awesome to get stoned with that Asian dude. It has been years since I’ve done anything that naughty, but I’m pretty sure I would be blown away by sayings like, “Because it is so clear, it takes a longer time to realize it. If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, then the meal was cooked a long time ago.” Ummm… cookie dough ice cream.

My favorite part of this episode was when Daniel started to grow skeptical, so the monk lit the candle to prove it could be done. The monk then said, “Now you blow it out.” Daniel then bent down and blew out the flame. “With your mind.” I love that little laugh.

There is no doubt this episode was an important part of Stargate history. I think you could argue the Atlantis series would not exist without it.

My Rating: 8/10

Shades of Grey

“Come to retrieve your vastly superior stuff? You know, it’d be a lot more superior if it wasn’t so easy to steal.”

Jack was so out of character that it became obvious something was going on. However, the plot twists made this episode fun. I certainly didn’t think Colonel Makepeace was involved with Maybourne. He always came across as a loyal, by-the-book guy up to that point. I guess that shows why the NID was so powerful.

I loved the moments between Jack and Daniel. Yeah, they do have some differences of opinion, but they also have a special bond. It was great to hear Jack’s mumbled apology at the end. You know it killed him to act like the bad guy for that long. 

I thought Sam’s reactions in this episode were great, too. She seemed shocked and disappointed to see Jack like that. It was like she lost her hero.

This episode was probably best summed up by Jack’s line, “We don’t need their stuff, Makepeace. But we do need them.” The Tollan were surprisingly tolerable this time, and it’s always nice for the Asgard to make a cameo. 

Bonus point for Jack reading MAD Magazine while listening to an opera.

My Rating: 8/10

Foothold

My favorite part of this episode was when Jack punched Dr. Fraiser in the face. “That was weird.” It was also fun to see Teal’c kick some butt.

The aliens in this episode reminded me of horseshoe crabs. I liked the mimic device idea, and it was funny to see everyone hanging from the rafters. It’s a shame the aliens just blew themselves up and were never heard from again.

A lot of minor characters made appearances in this episode. Siler, as always, was beaten up and knocked out. Major Davis had a lot of screen time. I’m a huge Maybourne fan, so it’s always a bonus when he shows up.

And when Maybourne shows up, the insults quickly follow. “You are an idiot everyday of the week. Why couldn’t you have just taken one day off?” It was a shock not only to see him get credit at the end, but also for him to acknowledge Sam.  

My Rating: 8/10

Forever in a Day

This might be the quintessential Daniel episode. The entire story took place in a few seconds while Sha’uri was scrambling his brain. We learned a lot more about Daniel’s thoughts and his relationships.

The plot was driven by two big events. Teal’c killed Sha’uri, which saved Daniel but might have prompted him to leave the stargate program. Sha’uri also told Daniel where to find her child, which gave him a reason to continue. It ended as he said goodbye to Sha’uri in a touching scene.

My favorite parts of this episode were the interactions between each team member and Daniel. Sam let her soft side out. There were a number of moments when she had tears in her eyes, and she gave Daniel a big hug. I was heartbroken when Teal’c asked Daniel for forgiveness. Jack did his best to express his repressed emotions, and it showed just how much he would have missed him.

My Rating: 8/10

Seth

Seth had to be the lamest Goa’uld ever. He spent a few thousand years on Earth, and he only had fifty followers in rural Washington. He was even a bland dresser. 

Despite Seth’s shortcomings, this was a great episode. We learned a little bit about the System Lords and Goa’uld society. Sam and Jacob had a couple of nice moments. The best part, however, was the Jaffa joke. Heh, poor Teal’c. 

Jack was once again in fine form. I loved the way he handled the ATF team and the look on his face when Daniel told him about the eunuchs. “So help me, if I wake up and I’m singing soprano...” 

Oh, and it was cool how Sam used the hand device squish Seth into the ground.

My Rating: 8/10

Out of Mind

This was the Season Two Finale. I was a little disappointed the first half of the show was mostly clips from earlier episodes, but the ending made up for it. Having Hathor show up made for a great cliffhanger. Plus she’s really cute, even with the new wig. 

I had no idea what was going on at first and really enjoyed the suspense that slowly built up as the team started to unravel Hathor’s scheme. She seemed much smarter and more calculating than any of the other Goa’uld we’ve met so far. If it weren’t for Jack’s natural paranoia, her plan probably would have worked. 

The dreaded “To Be Continued” popped up just after Hathor threatened to put a snake in someone’s head. So it’s on to Season Three to see how the team will get of this jam.

One last note: I’m pretty sure Jack was trying to sneak a peek on Carter. I can’t say I blame him. 

My Rating: 8/10

Show and Tell

A kid with a veiny head came through the stargate to warn the team about invisible space bugs. Naturally, everyone was a little skeptical until Mother blew up a computer monitor. After a quick call to the Tok’ra, Jacob showed up with cool guns that could illuminate the Re’tu and turn them into goop.

The kid was kind of cute and bonded with Jack. He even started calling himself Charlie after Jack’s son. As a result of the genetic manipulation Charlie underwent to become a messenger for the good Re’tu, he had numerous congenital diseases and his body was shutting down.

A group of rebel Re’tu got in the base, because the team was dumb enough to go to their staging area. The terrorist faction planned to destroy the population of Earth in an effort to eliminate all possible Goa’uld hosts. This led to a little shoot out in the SGC.

Did anyone else laugh that unintentionally funny moment? Oh yeah, that looked real.

With the terrorist space bugs neutralized, attention turned to Charlie. He passed out while hugging Jack, and Dr. Fraiser thought there was nothing she could do to help. Then Jacob offered to put a Tok’ra in his head to save his life. The veiny kid would have a chance to grow up.

My Rating: 8/10

Serpent’s Song

“That’s between you and your god. Oh, wait a minute, you are your god.” 

Apophis was quite a sad sight in this episode. With his empire falling apart, he sought protection from rival Goa’ulds by asking for sanctuary on Earth. He took advantage of human compassions in an attempt to save his life and lure the team into a trap. 

The Tok’ra arrived to warn the SGC about Sokar, an ancient Goa’uld who pretended to be the devil. Sokar’s troops saw SG-1 as they fled through the gate with Apophis, and they would attack if the team did not return the prisoner. This situation was orchestrated by Apophis to ensure his demise would also bring about the destruction of Earth. 

Before the Tok’ra could leave, Sokar’s attack began. He used a weapon that could melt the stargate’s iris and also draw happy faces. Eventually, Sam was able to establish an out-going wormhole that thwarted the attack and allowed the team to return Apophis’s body to Sokar. 

I thought the best part about this episode was the interaction between the team and Apophis. Jack’s sarcasm and contempt for Apophis was hilarious. Teal’c spent the whole episode walking around with a smug look on his face. The best, however, was Daniel’s little talk with Apophis. Daniel let his dark side out and every word he said seemed to sizzle as he taunted and threatened Apophis. Go get him, Daniel! 

I felt bad for Apophis’s host. After spending several thousand years parading around in ridiculous outfits, he regained control of his body just before a torturous death. Poor guy didn’t know what was going on. 

My Rating: 8/10

The Tok’ra, Part I

During a dream, Sam had a vision of Jolinar that included a gate address, so the team set off to meet the Tok’ra. Just before they left, Sam called her dad. Jacob was facing his last days in a battle with cancer. Sam went on the mission knowing Jacob would not want to be seen in a hospital bed. 

Once again, Sam proved that she is terrible with men. A Tok’ra named Martouf used a couple of cheesy lines, and she turned into a big pile of mush. Lord only knows what would have happened if Daniel didn’t interrupt their handholding session. 

I’m probably the only person who thinks like this, but does anyone else see the resemblance between Martouf and Sam the Eagle from The Muppet Show? In my opinion, that’s a more believable Sam and Martouf relationship than the one involving Captain Carter. 

Jack was considerably less friendly with the Tok’ra than Sam. He seemed extra grumpy and argumentative in this episode. In the end, the Tok’ra fulfilled Jack's fears. They decided not to form an alliance with Earth and held the team as “guests” after Hammond sent SG-3 to inform Sam her father was about to die. 

Never trust anything with a snake in its head. To be continued. 

My Rating: 8/10

Thor’s Chariot

This episode continued the story from “Thor’s Hammer.” In typical SG-1 fashion, the team created a huge problem and had to save the day. In the process, they met a grumpy Goa’uld, picked up a few space toys, and spoke to Thor. 

Heru’ur, the son of Ra and Hathor, obviously enjoyed raiding mom’s jewelry box as much as he enjoyed conquering planets. He had already killed a number of the locals and was building a landing platform for his ships when SG-1 arrived. With Thor’s Hammer destroyed, the planet was defenseless. 

Gairwyn greeted SG-1 at the gate and led them to Kendra’s grave. Sam learned that she could operate some Goa’uld technology, but she was much better at blowing up dirt than working the healing device. 

After Jack and Teal’c went off to fight some Jaffa, Sam and Daniel tried to find The Hall of Thor’s Might. The hall contained a series of tests designed to determine if the locals were advanced enough to meet the Asgard. Daniel and Sam passed and explained the problem to Thor. He promptly showed up to beam the Goa’uld away and install a new defense system. 

Sigh, we are still too young to hang out with the Asgard, but at least they know who we are. 

My Rating: 8/10

In the Line of Duty

You know the mouth-to-mouth scene in this episode? This is what it would have looked like if Sam was a reporter and the host was a wrestler. 

The snake in Sam’s head claimed to be a Tok’ra, a type of Goa’uld that opposed the System Lords. It was being hunted and used Sam to escape. The team seemed to believe this story. However, the Goa’uld hunting Sam used a small hand device to zap her head before they decided what to do. The Tok’ra was killed, but it sacrificed its life to save Sam. 

My favorite part of this episode was only on screen for about two seconds. It occurred while a few Nassyans were being loaded into the back of a military truck. There was one guy wearing a bright pink wig. I don’t know why, but it makes me laugh every time. 

I would like to submit the end of this episode as further proof that Sam is the most huggable character in television history. 

My Rating: 8/10 

Hathor

She’s seductive. She has purple breath. She wears a cheap wig and a gold bra. She spent a few thousand years locked in a sarcophagus. She’s Hathor. And I love her. 

Hathor is a Goa’uld queen, which means she can spawn her own shrimp cocktail. She nearly took over the SGC in this episode by manipulating all the males. Luckily, Sam, Dr. Fraiser, and the rest of the “women behind bars” cast kicked her out before everyone was walking around with snakes in their guts. 

I hate to say it, but I think the girls were jealous. 

My Rating: 8/10

Thor’s Hammer

There was a lot in this episode. We learned the Goa’uld didn’t build the stargate network. The Asgard were introduced, even though we didn’t actually meet the little, gray guys. However, the team did meet an Unas.

I’ve always liked the Asgard stories, because they offer a sense of wonderment and hope. In this episode, Daniel met a kooky hippy named Kendra, who proved Sha’uri could be separated from her symbiote. Unfortunately, he had to destroy Thor’s Hammer and his best chance to save Sha’uri in order to free Teal’c from an underground prison. 

While Teal’c and Jack were stuck in the labyrinth, they had a less than friendly encounter with an Unas. This hungry Unas was several thousand years old and voiced by James Earl Jones. The combination of his voice and extreme age made me think of the “This is CNN” commercials that air during Larry King Live. Bethesda, Maryland. Hello. 

I doubt the Unas had been married as many times as Larry King.  

The show ends with SG-1 giving the Vikings a lunchbox. Gee thanks, you blew up our planetary defense, but now we can conveniently store sandwiches on long trips. That sounds fair.

My Rating: 8/10

The Original Movie

It wouldn’t be fair to write about the two spin-offs without mentioning the movie. So, that’s where we’ll start. My DVD is the “Ultimate Edition” with an “Extended Cut.” Which, presumably, means it is longer and much more ultimate than the version shown in theaters. 

There are a plenty of continuity issues between the original movie and the shows, but I’m willing to forgive these sins. The movie holds up very well by itself, and it gets the ball rolling for the main story arcs in Season One of Stargate SG-1. We manage to decipher an ancient artifact, go to Abydos, and blow up a space pimp named Ra. It’s a good way to start.

While the movie is packed with action and adventure, the true focus is centered on a memorable and haunting haircut. Specifically, Kurt Russell’s rather extreme take on the flattop. It has been rumored that engineers used test screenings of this film to calibrate laser levels. The movie simply would not have been the same without that rigid form triumphantly crowning our box-headed hero as he shouted, “Give my regards to King Tut, Asshole.” How that haircut did not win an Oscar is beyond me.

With the exception of a few people from Abydos, just about all of the characters were recast when the television show started. Some of these changes were for the better, some of them for the worse. Clearly, the best casting decision the producers of SG-1 made was to distance themselves from all things French Stewart. In the movie, he plays the least believable member of the Air Force in the history of motion pictures. There’s something about his smug face that just begs to be punched. I wish they could have found a way to kill him off in a horrific, painful death scene.

I was kind of disappointed the producers changed Sha’uris on us. The original Sha’uri was much hotter than the Sha’uri in SG-1. I probably would have stayed on Abydos and endured having to eat sand with every meal if it meant more makeout time with the original Sha’uri. I would have been looking for the first gate back home if I accidentally married the new Sha’uri.

One of the great hidden gems in the movie takes the form of a gruesome sweater. There are very few things in life that can draw a smile from my lips as reliably as a hideous sweater. The fact that this particular sweater was worn by Richard Kind, an actor who later shows up in Season Three of Stargate Atlantis as a creepy rapist, seems to hint at a grand master plan. Is it possible this ugly sweater was an act of foreshadowing twelve years in the making? Was it a dire warning to be wary of men in Cosby sweaters? I like to think so.

My Rating: 8/10