Rite of Passage

Was it just me or did Cassandra seem a lot older than she should have been? I think she was the perfect example of why all guys fear the idea of having a daughter. She was extremely grouchy and smooched a cheesy boy who gave her a two-dollar trinket. It’s no wonder Dr. Fraiser was so edgy.

It turned out Nirrti was experimenting on Cassandra’s planet in an attempt to create super humans. The team found Nirrti’s lab, but they were unable to cure Cassandra. In the process, they accidentally allowed Nirrti to sneak into the SGC while she was cloaked.

The team eventually discovered and captured their unwanted visitor. They made a deal with Nirrti. She saved Cassandra in exchange for her release. I was surprised they let her go so easily.

Bonus point for Jack’s magnet speech.

Rating: 6/10

Red Sky

This was a fairly typical episode. The team screwed something up, and they had to fix it before everyone died. Along the way, they had to deal with some religious villagers who were a pain in the butt. The big twist was the team ran into a problem they couldn’t solve by themselves. Or could they?

Malchus ranks highly on the list of most infuriating characters. He reminded of Debbie Downer from those old SNL skits. It was great to see Jack go after him. That man needed a beating, if only for his ridiculous hat.

I always like it when the Asgard show up. It’s funny to think that not all of them are as friendly as Thor. I thought the scene where Sam and Daniel watched Jack as he was talking to the wall was pretty funny. “Little gray butts?”

I also liked the way the show ended. Sometimes those loose ends are more satisfying than a perfect resolution.

Rating: 6/10

Upgrades

The magic armbands were silly, but I was able to overlook them enough to enjoy the episode. Both General Hammond and Dr. Fraiser had big roles. We also saw the Tok’ra don’t always have our best interests in mind. The team even managed to blow up one of Apophis’s ships along the way.

Eh, Anise. She might be the ultimate foxy space lady. I actually thought she was an interesting character, but yeah, her outfits were over the top. They made her a distraction and hurt the show. I can’t believe I’m arguing against a scantily clad, highly attractive woman.

Jack was in fine form. It was good to see Teal’c and him boxing again. I loved how he kicked out a chunk of Hammond’s office. My favorite line: After Anise determined he had five times a normal human’s strength, “So, no increase then, huh?”

There were two things that bothered me about this episode. The first was Sam’s face when she realized she couldn’t take the armband off. It struck me as one of those unintentionally funny and overly dramatic moments. The other was how the bar fight started. Some guy called Daniel a geek, which was odd, because that might have been the hippest Daniel ever looked. Plus, who calls someone a geek?

My Rating: 6/10

Crystal Skull

I still haven’t seen the new Indiana Jones movie. From what I’ve heard, it was just a big-budget version of this episode. I’m guessing Harrison Ford played the grandpa role.

While I liked this episode, it was silly that none of these plotlines were ever continued. The giant mist aliens were enemies of the Goa’uld and seemed to be pretty advanced. You’d think they’d pop up somewhere else. Hell, the team didn’t even give Nick a GDO to get back to the base.

The best parts of the show happened while Daniel was out of phase. I bet it’d be fun to walk around like that for a while. The conversation between Sam and Jack was great. Do they miss Daniel? Nah, it’s probably just radiation sickness.

Poor Rothman. He’s the Rodney Dangerfield of the SGC.

My Rating: 6/10  

Rules of Engagement

Wow, those kids were really dumb. You’d think they would either give up after a while, or realize SG-1 was not with Apophis. The intars were cool, though.

There were a lot of funny moments in this episode. My favorite was Jack’s deadpan reaction after Rogers told him that corn and cotton are indigenous to North America. I also loved the tuna interrogation and the look on Jack’s face after Teal’c claimed O’Neill was “much loved by Apophis.”

There was one little moment that perfectly personified Jack and Daniel’s relationship. The whole team was walking to the gate while being debriefed about what to expect during the final challenge. Jack gave a series of orders and asked, “Was everyone clear on that? Daniel?” Of course, Daniel was in Dannyworld and only managed a confused, “What?” To which Jack quickly responded, “Good.”

Oh, and I have to mention that Sam looked extra foxy in camouflage face paint.

My Rating: 6/10

A Matter of Time

This episode made my brain hurt, and I think Sam broke her own techno babble record. There was a black hole, a bubble of time dilation, some kind of gravity waves, and a bunch of relativity stuff. 

I didn’t understand any of it, but Sam explained something with a doughnut. Yum. 

Hey, Major Davis made his first appearance. We also met one of Jack’s old friends, but he was sucked into the wormhole. Sergeant Siler even got zapped. 

I thought it was funny how Daniel showed up at the very end to say, “Hey Jack, did I miss anything?” 

My Rating: 6/10

Spirits

It was neat to see Sam in charge of the team. I liked the little acknowledgement Jack gave her from his hospital bed, and she looked extra cute in this episode. I know it sounds cheesy, but I was proud of her. 

Sam led Daniel and Teal’c on a mission to find SG-11, who went missing while mining a metal called trinium off world. After getting shot with darts, SG-1 woke up and met the natives. One of the locals, Tonane, offered to take the team to meet the spirits. 

The team later discovered the spirits were actually aliens with weird gills on their faces. Daniel was the peacemaker and talked them out of blowing up the SGC. In the end, everyone decided to be friends. 

A few years ago, I saw a great movie called Smoke Signals. Tonane reminded me of Thomas from that film. I think it was the smile. If you can’t find anything to rent during your next trip to Blockbuster, check it out. 

I thought this was a neat episode. However, it was a little heavy-handed at times, and General Hammond seemed out of character when he talked about the secret mining operation. It would have been more believable if a stooge from the Pentagon played the Andrew Jackson role. 

My Rating: 6/10 

Family

Bra’tac arrived at the SGC with an urgent message. Apophis survived the explosion of his ships and had abducted Rya’c. The team believed Apophis was trying to lure them into a trap, but they packed their bags and went to Chulak. 

When they arrived, Teal’c learned his wife was getting dirty with a new guy. Drey’auc explained that she did not love Fro’tak. She married him so Rya’c would not have to live in the camps. Puh, women! 

The first rescue attempt failed, because Ry’ac had been brainwashed by Apophis. Eventually they brought Rya’c back to Earth, but he was still under Apophis’s control and was plotting to destroy the world. Luckily, the team wasn’t fooled by the old poisonous false teeth trick. 

I thought the end of this episode was odd. Teal’c shot Rya’c with a zat gun, and Rya’c magically returned to normal. I didn’t buy it. Oh well. 

My Rating: 6/10

Need

Warning: Sarcophagus may cause callous behavior and/or excessive use of hair gel. 

The team traveled to a planet led by a 700 year-old man posing as a Goa’uld. He sustained his life by regularly using a sarcophagus, but he turned into a real sourpuss as a result. To avoid detection after overthrowing their former Goa’uld ruler, the locals continued to operate the planet’s naquadah mine and shipped away the raw ore. 

Daniel attracted the interest of a cute princess named Shyla. The rest of the team was not as lucky and were sent to work in the mine. As Sam grew weak, she had a vision she attributed to Jolinar that warned about the dangers of the sarcophagus. 

Shyla fell in love with Daniel, convinced him to try a new hairdo, and turned him into a junkie. He eventually agreed to marry her, but Daniel used the opportunity to free SG-1 and return to Earth. Once they were back home, it became apparent that Daniel was going a little kooky. 

After going through withdrawals, Daniel asked to return to the planet. The team believed they could help the miners and acquire a source of naquadah. Shyla apologized to Daniel and destroyed the sarcophagus. The wedding was canceled, which was a shame because they were an attractive couple.

My Rating: 6/10

Prisoners

A lot of people associate Stargate with The Wizard of Oz. Strangely, this episode reminded me of that disturbing show that used to run on HBO called Oz. We see the rough and tough dramas of a prison. Teal’c even got shanked. Luckily, we were spared from a shower scene. 

Linea was an interesting character. She was a nice old lady who happened to enjoy the occasional genocide. Living in Florida, I know many people just like her. 

What was up with that hairy diplomat guy from the SGC? We can add him to the list of people Hammond should have kidney punched. 

My Rating: 6/10

Tin Man

Komtraya! 

I felt bad for the robots. They had to spend eternity fixing an underground power plant with only Harlan for company. I’d start looking for that disintegration gun after a week. 

Without a doubt, the best part of this episode was the conversation between Jack and Robot Jack. It had a perfect balance of remorse, confusion, and humor. “And don’t even think about sending a bomb through to make sure.” However, I thought it was strange that they both seemed to stare at the naked Robot Teal’c. 

Bonus point for the arguing Sams.  

My Rating: 6/10

Singularity

I know it makes me a heartless bastard, but I laughed when Sam kicked the elevator and started weeping. There might be something wrong with me. 

This episode revolved around Cassandra, a young girl with a bomb in her chest. She was brought to Earth after a Goa’uld named Nirrti killed everyone on her planet. Nirrti secretly planted the bomb hoping the girl could destroy Earth’s stargate. Luckily, the nefarious plot was discovered before Cassandra went kaboom. 

Along the way, Cassandra formed a strong bond with Sam. I think this was the first time we really saw Sam’s softer side. She has to be the most huggable character in television history. Even her stick figures are cute. 

This episode is also responsible for countless theories about a relationship between Sam and Dr. Fraiser. I don’t see it, but whatever floats your boat… 

My Rating: 6/10

The First Commandment

This episode was the first to hint at Sam’s many dating issues. We meet Jonas, Sam’s sunburnt ex-fiancé, after he has enslaved a race of cave dwellers and declared himself a god. He is in the process of tyrannically working his followers to death in an effort to construct a temple. To be fair to Sam, I doubt any of this was in his Match.com profile when their relationship began.

While Sam and Jonas were getting reacquainted, Jack got caught in the middle of a rather pathetic rescue attempt. Daniel and Teal’c used their time more productively and solved the mystery of the orange sky. They used this information to expose Jonas as a false god and prevent Jack’s execution. The cave dwellers weren’t particularly impressed with the whole working-them-to-death routine, so they threw Jonas into a wormhole to be splattered against the stargate’s iris. 

I liked the unintentionally funny warriors in this episode. They looked like a bizarre cross between Mr. Potato Head and Dark Helmet. Not very intimidating.

This episode also gets bonus points for a few Wizard of Oz references.

My Rating: 6/10

The Broca Divide

This episode has two claims to fame. Dr. Fraiser made her first appearance on the show, and we saw Sam and Jack’s first kiss. The smooching would have been more romantic if Sam wasn’t under the influence of a virus that turned her into a sexually aggressive Neanderthal. But maybe I’m just old fashioned.

The virus originally plagued the Land of Light, but eventually infected the SGC. Luckily, Dr. Fraiser saved both worlds from unibrows and hairy knuckles when she discovered Benadryl was the secret to rapid evolution. Now she just has to find a drug that will prevent grown men from wearing bare-midriff outfits and the Land of Light will be problem free.

I loved the dining scene with Daniel and his cavewoman girlfriend. The both looked so happy with their comically large bones. Jack had to chime in, “Daniel, you dog, you keep this up, you'll have a girl on every planet.”

My Rating: 6/10