Singularity

I know it makes me a heartless bastard, but I laughed when Sam kicked the elevator and started weeping. There might be something wrong with me. 

This episode revolved around Cassandra, a young girl with a bomb in her chest. She was brought to Earth after a Goa’uld named Nirrti killed everyone on her planet. Nirrti secretly planted the bomb hoping the girl could destroy Earth’s stargate. Luckily, the nefarious plot was discovered before Cassandra went kaboom. 

Along the way, Cassandra formed a strong bond with Sam. I think this was the first time we really saw Sam’s softer side. She has to be the most huggable character in television history. Even her stick figures are cute. 

This episode is also responsible for countless theories about a relationship between Sam and Dr. Fraiser. I don’t see it, but whatever floats your boat… 

My Rating: 6/10

Cor-ai

Trials are a crutch for lazy writers.  It’s pretty easy to throw a group people in a room and have them gracelessly debate both sides of an issue. Sadly, this episode plays like a crappy version of Law & Order: Space. 

The plot revolves around Teal’c’s decision to execute a one-legged man while in the service of Apophis. Teal’c felt guilty about the atrocities he committed during that time and wanted to face the trial, even if it resulted in a death sentence. Along the way, we get thumped with a morality hammer. 

Ugh, this episode was just too boring and heavy-handed. I knew it would be bad the moment I saw that leather beanie. 

My Rating: 2/10

Hathor

She’s seductive. She has purple breath. She wears a cheap wig and a gold bra. She spent a few thousand years locked in a sarcophagus. She’s Hathor. And I love her. 

Hathor is a Goa’uld queen, which means she can spawn her own shrimp cocktail. She nearly took over the SGC in this episode by manipulating all the males. Luckily, Sam, Dr. Fraiser, and the rest of the “women behind bars” cast kicked her out before everyone was walking around with snakes in their guts. 

I hate to say it, but I think the girls were jealous. 

My Rating: 8/10

The Nox

The show started with a government official pressuring the team to find advanced technology. This led Teal’c to mention an animal that is capable of cloaking itself. Intrigued, the team sets off on a hunting expedition. 

Apophis happened to be on the planet when SG-1 arrived, so the team staged an ambush on the golden one. The trap failed horribly, as Jack, Sam, and Daniel were killed. Just as Teal’c was awaiting his fate, everyone vanished. 

The Nox, one of my favorite races in the stargate universe, saved the team and brought them back to life. The twig-covered pacifists were actually the ones capable of invisibility, and they had no interest in SG-1’s violent ways. Daniel spent some time with an elderly tree-licker trying to learn about the Nox and improve the relationship. However, our fighting with Apophis ultimately led the Nox to seal their gate and prevent our return. 

One of my favorite stargate moments occurred in this episode. A young Nox named Nafrayu walked up to Sam to introduce himself. You could see her heart melting while she was talking to the little guy, which caused Jack to say, “No, you can’t keep him.” 

My Rating: 9/10

Fire and Water

Oh no! Daniel is dead. Actually, he was just hanging out with a fishman. The memorial service was nice, though. 

The fishman, who called himself Nem, was searching for his lost lover, Omaroca. He believed Daniel was the key to discovering her fate, so he took Daniel to his fish lair and sent the rest of SG-1 home with a false memory. 

After zapping Daniel’s brain for a couple of minutes, it’s revealed that Omaroca spent time on Earth trying to lead a rebellion against a Babylonian Goa’uld named Belos. Belos killed her, but she might have inspired a later rebellion in Egypt. The saddened fishman let Daniel go and blew off his friendship offer. 

I’m told some ladies liked this episode because Daniel spent a lot of time soaking wet. Heh. That’s not really my thing, but liked Jack’s sushi joke at the end. 

My Rating: 5/10

Bloodlines

This was the first episode to focus on the Jaffa and their culture. Bra’tac, one of my favorite reoccurring characters, makes his first appearance on the show. We also learned that Teal’c had a family on Chulak. 

Teal’c’s son, Rya’c, was about to come of age and receive his first larval Goa’uld. Believing that Rya’c would become a slave to his symbiote, Teal’c attempts to prevent the prim’tah ceremony. However, his wife, Drey’auc, has gone to great lengths to ensure the ceremony would be preformed and is not happy when Teal’c intervenes. 

The family became outcasts after Teal’c left, and Drey’auc believed her son’s service to Apophis would allow them to return to society. Rya’c also needed the Goa’uld because he was extremely ill. Teal’c eventually realizes this and gives his symbiote to Rya’c. Luckily, Sam and Daniel stole an infant Goa’uld earlier in the episode, so Teal’c is able to escape with the team.  

I don’t understand why Teal’c didn’t try take his family with him. This made no sense to me. Maybe he felt there was an apostrophe limit on Earth. 

Master Bra’tac, who looks pretty good for someone 133 years old, was once a great warrior. He trained Teal’c and instilled within him the belief that the Goa’uld were false gods. He is also a big fan of the phrase, “We will cross that bridge when we come to it.” 

One last note: A different actress plays Drey’auc after this episode. The Drey’auc in this episode is very pretty. The later Drey’auc… no comment.

My Rating: 7/10

The Torment of the Tantalus

“This is meaning of life stuff.”

Wow, everything about this episode was so good. There was a great team dynamic, the story about Ernest was intriguing, the element room was beautiful, and there were a number of touching and humorous moments woven into the story. Hell, Sam even looked a little bit cuter than she normally does. I loved this episode. 

It starts with Daniel watching experiments the government did on the gate in 1945. To his surprise, they managed to activate and send a scientist through the gate fifty years ago. He decides to ask Katherine why she didn’t tell him about this before. 

Katherine didn’t know the 1945 experiments had succeeded or that her fiancé, Ernest Littlefield, was the one who went through the gate. She was told Ernest died in an accident and the program was shut down. With the old film footage, the team is able to determine where Ernest went. Then they convinced General Hammond to let Katherine accompany them on the mission. 

The emotions were just right throughout this episode. Katherine was excited about seeing Ernest again, but her excitement was tempered by the somber reality of his disappearance. The interactions between Jack and Daniel were great examples of each character’s best attributes. Jack was a pragmatist and thought about the team’s safety, while Daniel was captivated by the possibilities of their discovery. Poor Ernest could hardly believe his visitors were real and saved Daniel from making his mistake. Sam and Teal’c were involved in some comical moments that nicely counterbalanced the poignant story. 

Yes, this was classic Stargate SG-1. 

My Rating: 10/10

Thor’s Hammer

There was a lot in this episode. We learned the Goa’uld didn’t build the stargate network. The Asgard were introduced, even though we didn’t actually meet the little, gray guys. However, the team did meet an Unas.

I’ve always liked the Asgard stories, because they offer a sense of wonderment and hope. In this episode, Daniel met a kooky hippy named Kendra, who proved Sha’uri could be separated from her symbiote. Unfortunately, he had to destroy Thor’s Hammer and his best chance to save Sha’uri in order to free Teal’c from an underground prison. 

While Teal’c and Jack were stuck in the labyrinth, they had a less than friendly encounter with an Unas. This hungry Unas was several thousand years old and voiced by James Earl Jones. The combination of his voice and extreme age made me think of the “This is CNN” commercials that air during Larry King Live. Bethesda, Maryland. Hello. 

I doubt the Unas had been married as many times as Larry King.  

The show ends with SG-1 giving the Vikings a lunchbox. Gee thanks, you blew up our planetary defense, but now we can conveniently store sandwiches on long trips. That sounds fair.

My Rating: 8/10

Cold Lazarus

While this episode was a little slow in parts, it was great for character development. We also get a glimpse of what the team does when they aren’t off fighting the Goa’uld.

I love how dorky Sam and Daniel were in this episode. I imagine this is how they act every time they bring an alien artifact through the gate. They were so excited to prove their theory, they had to run across the SGC to find Teal’c. Just like kids in a toy store.

Teal’c is adapting to life on Earth. It appears that he is more of an ESPN guy than an MTV viewer. I wonder what kind of music they have on Chulak.

Of course, most of this episode focused on Jack’s past. Charlie’s death was truly tragic, and you can see how it pulled Sarah and Jack apart. They both seemed to receive a sense of closure at the end, but I’m not sure any marriage could survive that incident.

Bonus point for Sam’s “Holy Hannah.”

My rating: 7/10

Brief Candle

I never liked this episode. The problem was the writers seemed content just making jokes about old people. Instead of being funny, it came across as gimmicky and cheesy. They turned a decent premise about valuing everyday of your life into a caricature of a silly old man.

What can I say about Kynthia? I wouldn’t mind a little “physical contact” with her, but she was dumb as a rock. There was also that moderately creepy aspect of her being thirty-one days old. However, I can’t criticize her too much.  I’m a big fan of foxy, open-minded space ladies.

Good job, Jack.

My Rating: 3/10

The First Commandment

This episode was the first to hint at Sam’s many dating issues. We meet Jonas, Sam’s sunburnt ex-fiancé, after he has enslaved a race of cave dwellers and declared himself a god. He is in the process of tyrannically working his followers to death in an effort to construct a temple. To be fair to Sam, I doubt any of this was in his Match.com profile when their relationship began.

While Sam and Jonas were getting reacquainted, Jack got caught in the middle of a rather pathetic rescue attempt. Daniel and Teal’c used their time more productively and solved the mystery of the orange sky. They used this information to expose Jonas as a false god and prevent Jack’s execution. The cave dwellers weren’t particularly impressed with the whole working-them-to-death routine, so they threw Jonas into a wormhole to be splattered against the stargate’s iris. 

I liked the unintentionally funny warriors in this episode. They looked like a bizarre cross between Mr. Potato Head and Dark Helmet. Not very intimidating.

This episode also gets bonus points for a few Wizard of Oz references.

My Rating: 6/10

The Broca Divide

This episode has two claims to fame. Dr. Fraiser made her first appearance on the show, and we saw Sam and Jack’s first kiss. The smooching would have been more romantic if Sam wasn’t under the influence of a virus that turned her into a sexually aggressive Neanderthal. But maybe I’m just old fashioned.

The virus originally plagued the Land of Light, but eventually infected the SGC. Luckily, Dr. Fraiser saved both worlds from unibrows and hairy knuckles when she discovered Benadryl was the secret to rapid evolution. Now she just has to find a drug that will prevent grown men from wearing bare-midriff outfits and the Land of Light will be problem free.

I loved the dining scene with Daniel and his cavewoman girlfriend. The both looked so happy with their comically large bones. Jack had to chime in, “Daniel, you dog, you keep this up, you'll have a girl on every planet.”

My Rating: 6/10

Emancipation

This is one of the most hated episodes of Stargate SG-1 ever made. Oddly, I don’t think it’s that bad. Yeah, Abu is fairly annoying, and some of the dialogue is downright laughable (“Rancid Yak Butter”), but I thought it had some redeemable elements.

As you probably realized while reading this blog, I like snarky, smartass comments. Jack has plenty of them in this episode. You could almost see him biting his tongue the whole time Sam was in that snazzy, blue dress.

This episode also featured a lot of Angry Sam. I happen to think an angry Sam is a foxy Sam. Her death stare endearingly reminded me of a former lady friend. I would receive that glare several times a week back in the good ol’ days. How could I have finished the ice cream without telling her? 

Ah, the silent treatment. 

My Rating: 4/10

The Enemy Within

Kawalsky ended the last episode with a larval Goa’uld in his head. After the Goa’uld took control of Kawalsky’s body in this episode, he started acting like a big, mean jerk and demanded to be sent back to Chulak. Why did the Goa’uld have such a bad attitude? I’m guessing he was not content wearing that drab military uniform. He would have felt much more comfortable in a robe fashioned out of a 1970’s loveseat. Maybe something with a little fringe.

The team tried to remove the parasite from Kawalsky, but ultimately it was too late. After a brief struggle with Teal’c, the back of Kawalsky’s head was snipped off when the wormhole disengaged. This was accentuated with a dramatic eye twitch and what appeared to be an overcooked dumpling that fell to the floor. Kawalsky was dead. We hardly knew him.

A couple interesting things happened in this episode. Jack made his first Wizard of Oz reference. “That’s right Dorothy, it was all a dream.” The franchise also started its tradition of killing doctors, as Dr. Nimziki was on the receiving end of a broken neck. Poor guy never saw it coming.

Teal’c decided to try something a little different this episode and wore his tattoo upside down for a while. I bet that hurt.

My Rating: 7/10 

Children of the Gods

This was the series premier of Stargate SG-1. We quickly learn the stargate goes to places other than Abydos, see how our favorite team is formed, and meet Apophis, the new bad guy with a snake in his head. 

Apophis, a lover of monotone gold wardrobes, manages to abduct Daniel’s wife and Jack’s little buddy and turn them into Goa’ulds. After the new hosts are outfitted in standard issued, drag queen regalia, the glowing-eyed gods travel to a different part of the galaxy, leaving the our heroes to fight off a platoon of Jaffa. The good guys escape back to Earth, but Kawalsky was unknowingly snaked just before going through the gate. 

The foundation of the SG-1 team is already evident by the end of this episode. Daniel and Jack have established a pattern of ideological bickering. Teal’c puts on his stoic look while betraying his god, and Sam manages to rattle off several verses of techno jargon while keeping a straight face.

I am an unabashed Sam fan. With those big, blue eyes, that smirky smile, and her penchant for helmet hair, she might be the cutest thing this side of baby kittens. Every time she is on screen, I have an overwhelming urge to give her a bear hug and a kiss on the forehead.

I admit this, because she was also the center of a painful cringefest. It turns out her reproductive organs are on the inside. What were the writers drinking when they came up with this scene? Each and every line of dialogue felt like punch to the giblets. Ouch.

Of course, this episode also featured another controversial scene. Oh Noes! There was a hoohaa on display. Hide the children. I read how the producers are thinking of editing this episode to make it a little more family friendly. Eh, surely you have better things to do. A little kooter won’t kill anyone.

My rating: 9/10

The Original Movie

It wouldn’t be fair to write about the two spin-offs without mentioning the movie. So, that’s where we’ll start. My DVD is the “Ultimate Edition” with an “Extended Cut.” Which, presumably, means it is longer and much more ultimate than the version shown in theaters. 

There are a plenty of continuity issues between the original movie and the shows, but I’m willing to forgive these sins. The movie holds up very well by itself, and it gets the ball rolling for the main story arcs in Season One of Stargate SG-1. We manage to decipher an ancient artifact, go to Abydos, and blow up a space pimp named Ra. It’s a good way to start.

While the movie is packed with action and adventure, the true focus is centered on a memorable and haunting haircut. Specifically, Kurt Russell’s rather extreme take on the flattop. It has been rumored that engineers used test screenings of this film to calibrate laser levels. The movie simply would not have been the same without that rigid form triumphantly crowning our box-headed hero as he shouted, “Give my regards to King Tut, Asshole.” How that haircut did not win an Oscar is beyond me.

With the exception of a few people from Abydos, just about all of the characters were recast when the television show started. Some of these changes were for the better, some of them for the worse. Clearly, the best casting decision the producers of SG-1 made was to distance themselves from all things French Stewart. In the movie, he plays the least believable member of the Air Force in the history of motion pictures. There’s something about his smug face that just begs to be punched. I wish they could have found a way to kill him off in a horrific, painful death scene.

I was kind of disappointed the producers changed Sha’uris on us. The original Sha’uri was much hotter than the Sha’uri in SG-1. I probably would have stayed on Abydos and endured having to eat sand with every meal if it meant more makeout time with the original Sha’uri. I would have been looking for the first gate back home if I accidentally married the new Sha’uri.

One of the great hidden gems in the movie takes the form of a gruesome sweater. There are very few things in life that can draw a smile from my lips as reliably as a hideous sweater. The fact that this particular sweater was worn by Richard Kind, an actor who later shows up in Season Three of Stargate Atlantis as a creepy rapist, seems to hint at a grand master plan. Is it possible this ugly sweater was an act of foreshadowing twelve years in the making? Was it a dire warning to be wary of men in Cosby sweaters? I like to think so.

My Rating: 8/10

The Adventure Begins

In my ongoing battle against productivity, I have decided to watch every episode of Stargate SG-1 and Stargate Atlantis over the course of the summer. That adds up to approximately 300 hours of television. Clearly, this is not a small commitment. 

I will use this blog to post reviews. I have very little interest in writing a standard plot summary, so these reviews will focus on the more esoteric elements of the shows. My hope is to inspire some fellow procrastinators to dust off their DVDs and join the fun.

Let’s get started, we have a long haul ahead of us.